CLUB MEMBERS ONLY

Remember being kicked out of a club when you were like, eight years old?  Where suddenly everyone kicked you out of the club without a reason and no one would talk to you? And you would walk around going, “what happened?” And no one would answer you?   Maybe you had little hints along the way because you reached out to club members individually to ask if they were upset with you and they didn’t reply or just kind of brushed it off.  So…. You just stayed…. Kept doing club things.  It was obvious that you and the club leader had some tension but you didn’t really think it was all that bad. Nothing a play date couldn’t cure.  But then, out of the blue, a sign is hung on the door that says “DO NOT ENTER. CLUB MEMBERS ONLY” With your name on it-- crossed out. Maybe this never happened to you or it was a little different- but you get the point.

That’s what happened to me last week. With a group of adults.  Adults who work in the “mature” field of death.  

So, first I was shocked.  I was thinking of leaving the club myself but I was not expecting to be kicked out!  Then I was sad.  Why didn’t anyone talk to me? How come no one said, “Anne-Marie, we really need to talk about…..”  I will talk about anything!  All topics!  Did I seem unapproachable? And if so, what was the reason?  Is it something I can work on? Was I TOO willing to talk about concerns and THAT’S why I didn’t fit into the group? Just total confusion. When I inquired directly about what happened, it was returned, again, with total silence. And THAT is what infuriated me.  So, then I did the only other thing my ego would let me do at the time and I wrote a nasty letter.  It was not totally unmerited BUT I also finger pointed while I was rolling around in their pit of dysfunction. Almost as if to counter their TOTAL silence, I was going to do the exact opposite and air out EVERYTHING. EVER.

But I know better.

I know things like this do not feel good in the long run. And, I don’t even need this group! That’s the hilarious thing! I don’t need any of them as a group or individually…. So what happened? Why did I write a poison pen letter to a group of people that were not mature enough to care about another’s feelings or want to remedy a strained situation? That very thing is at the CORE of my values.

When I really think about it, the real reason I got so upset is for not following my intuition to disengage with them earlier. Things were not feeling right. Individual relationships were strained.  When I tried to reach out personally to remedy any confusion there was no reply. So, why then did I stay where I was feeling, unheard, unappreciated and even resented?  It sounds too similar to intimate relationships I had allowed myself to be in for too long.

 Here was my typical dysfunction in relationships.  The person only liked me sometimes, and was only interested in supporting, caring for and loving themselves. And I was like, “Oh, yeah! Let me help you with that!” This kind of relationship does not work. It doesn’t work romantically, in friendships in business or in clubs. And it sure as hell does not make a more kind society.

What it does work very well to do is create resentment in the one that feels unseen, unheard, unappreciated and perhaps even surprise to the narcissistic person depending on how deeply enamored they are by them selves.

The biggest, biggest problem here?  No communication. None from the start. I joined a group based on one common interest only and never asked about their deeper motivation, their core values, what pains them, how they heal, what kind of boundaries they have.  Not as a group and not individually. It’s almost like jumping into an intimate relationship with someone because you both like sex.  “Hey! I’m willing! Are you?” “Yeah, totally! I love sex, let’s do it!” And then you move in together and find out that you actually have nothing in common other than you once liked sex together. Not only that, but it turns out, the person is kinda mean…. And you stick around because you once liked sex with the person.

Only this is the death industry.

And all of my own actions are my own fault. I am mature enough to know that at this point.

I guess I needed to learn this lesson again in my 40’s because I didn’t get enough of it when I was like eight.  And can I really blame the other club members?  Nope. Because they acted like eight year olds too.

PS. We are all going to die. And none of this will matter. Or, all of it will matter. No one really knows.  Just, to end things on a lighter note. 

Note: This photo does not belong to me, if you are the owner, please request taking it down and I will do so.